Monday, May 29, 2006
As per the title of this post - I'm bored, and I'm at uni.
I should be studying, or doing my english assignment but the fact is I've got an appointment with the bank to get a really big loan in half an hour, so there's not much point in starting. I'll get an hour or so in after the appointment, before my lame-ass geography role-play assessment.
I'll get to spend my evening tonight doing what the next couple of weeks are going to be dedicated to; study. I've got to build myself a regular sleeping pattern, eat well, drink lots of water and study. Lots of study. It's starting tonight. My first exam is for geo, which is good because while I study for the exam I am simultaniously studying for the test I have on Thursday that I am completely unprepared for.
Moral of the story? If you want to see me over the next 3 weeks - too bad, I ain't avaliable.
One week of lectures left. My stats lectures (which I never went to anyway) are over. Had my last english one today. Now I get to concentrate on finishing the big-ass english assignment I've got due on Friday (not that bad, most of it's done... just typing, editing, printing and binding to worry about there. Should be able to get it out of the way in a couple of hours). Then media, which I'll have to go to this week as the lectures tell us handy things about the all-important exams. Media is also the only course that still has it's tutorials running. Bastards. I have to go to that, again important exam stuff plus I'll get 5% of my final grade just by turning up to the tutorial - be silly not to really. And geo... stupid course started out really good and now is about as interesting as watching paint dry. That's right - they've actually made a course about Natural Hazards (volcanoes, tsunami etc) boring. Mostly because they've moved away from the volcanoes and tsunamis onto drought, and how natural hazards impact people. The crazy thing is everything covered in the 6 lectures about people could be condensed into half that.
I watched the end of Season 2 of Lost. It's good. Fucked up, but good. They gave us alot more answers then questions, which makes a very nice change!!
Anyway I'm going to scoot, I've got to get over to the other side of uni for my appointment with the bank. Oh joy.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
NOTE: This is an archive post from LiveJournal which has been logged here for posterity. The original post was friends-locked.
Here's what you've fucking done you psycho cow.
- You slowly sucked my self confidence by being a horrible fucking person to me every chance you got.
- Nothing was ever good enough for you - if I cleaned you never fucking noticed - you'd only bitch and moan if I didn't clean.
- It never mattered how many cookies I baked you and your boyfriend (who I actually do like - and he's much better then you deserve) would eat the whole fucking lot of them.
- I got to waste 3 fucking years of my life 3 fucking years, getting over the emotional scarring you left. I got to pick up the pieces of my shattered self esteem because you could never admit you might be wrong!
- I had to give way on every fucking argument because if I didn't back down we'd probably STILL be there arguing about how often the fucking toilet gets cleaned.
- You alienated me from my friends, who wouldn't come around if you were there. You wonder why you never see them? BECAUSE THEY DON'T FUCKING LIKE YOU. You very nearly cost me one of the best friendships I have and you know what? I despise you for that!
- You know what? I DON'T enjoy doing other people's hair and makeup. That's right. What I do enjoy is making people feel good about themselves. I'd die for my friends because that's who I am, and I am so very sorry I ever counted such a selfish, imature, horrible excuse for a human being among them.
- When milo is drunk by the bucketload.... IT COSTS MORE THEN PETROL you freak! But you know what? I always backed down and you know why - because you slowly sucked my inner power, inner life and self confidence.
- You're a fucking bucket of negativity and you know what? I DON'T forgive you for it, I WON'T forget it and I most certainly WILL NOT take your negativity and manipulation anymore.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Well I was re-reading my old posts (as you do when you're supposed to be doing an assignment due tomorrow) and realised I haven't posted The Update. Most people on my f-list have got this via email but I figure it's worthwhile posting and hell, if nothing else - it's better then stats.
Right guys, seeing as you all sent me some fantastic advice here is the update on the fallout.
First of all, I stopped talking to M. I needed time to think and sort myself out so I gave myself this space. I found other friends who took me out and got me very drunk (11 hours of beer...) A was out with us, so being drunk I decided to throw caution to the wind and I handed him a print out of the email. He came back downstairs and said he needed to think and he'd get back to me...
3 days of hell followed. Boys - when you say you need time please make that time QUICK or give us an estimate! Us girls (or at least I do) go nuts waiting for you to tell it to us straight! So I spent the next 3 days unable to sit still or concentrate on anything before he came back and gave me the 'it's not you, it's me' speech. To be honest I wasn't surprised. It seems he's got the kind of issues it took me 3 1/2 years to get over. So - dissapointed, but not surprised - and we remain friends (really). I attacked the dissapointment with chocolate and soppy movies (A Walk to Remember and The Notebook) two of my friends came and kept me company and fed me alcohol, so the next day (Sunday) I was in a position when I could attack the final part of the puzzle - M.
I had texted her on Saturday saying I wanted to chat to her and got a reply saying "if you are going to appologise then I can be avaliable". In my head that is the same kind of manipulation I had had enough of when I finally got away from The Evil Flatmate, so I told her straight - "I wasn't planning on appologising, just to explain myself. I also wanted to return your things and get mine back." at which point I got "Well then let's do it now."
To explain myself - this is exactly the kind of crap I got from The Evil Flatmate. It was this attitude that subtly chipped away at my self esteem and independance for well over a year until I got to breaking point. I refused to let her win on this and if she had seen me on Saturday - a little drunk, not too happy about not getting the boy and generally taking some 'me' time to get my thoughts straight then I would have backed down. I couldn't back down. Your emails and phone calls had both given me confidence (I've often said this week I felt like I'd got the invincibility star from Super Mario Brothers and could just shoot down anything in my way because I knew no matter what - I have friends who loved and cared for me) and determination to see this through - how could I send you all an email saying 'we're friends again' - I couldn't do it to YOU GUYS - Half of you'd kill me (or at least Charis would!). You'd boosted me and given me accountability and I think that writing and sending that email was the best thing I could have done.
So I told her I wasn't avaliable - I was sorting out my own shit and I would see her on Sunday.
Sunday came - I hadn't heard from M so I went out shopping with another friend, got ice cream, watched her buy the most beautiful shoes I have ever seen ($150 dowm from $380 - designer, BEAUTIFUL shoes), bought earrings and enjoyed my day. I got home and I reenforced myself. I told myself I was doing the right thing, I thought of you guys.
Then she tried to toy with me. One minute she was ready - then she was busy. She was playing these crazy mind games about when and where we were going to meet... if anything else that just reminded me MORE of The Evil Flatmate and the Hell-of-Three-Years-Ago and it just made me more determined to get it done properly.
So we had the talk. I told her she wasn't good for my mental health, about my breakdown in the projection room, about her stalking, about her manipulation with me and A, about how blunt and insensitive she was in getting what she wanted, about how I didn't need to be mothered, how I wanted my independance back and how I was, afterall, 10 years younger then her and we were inevitably going to think in different ways due to time and maturity. And then she did something that surprised me...
She asked me for my advice on what she could do to change. She told me that she knew she wasn't entirely normal and she didn't want to make the same mistakes again. I advised councelling and doctors and I told her about Lifeworks. I told her that although I didn't want to be her friend, it didn't devalue her as a person. I told her that it shouldn't affect other people in the hostel and that as far as I was concerned this was between her and I and there would be civility rather then hostility between us. We cleared up what was acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. I told her she was welcome to sit at a table we were at or join us as a group and in that situation I would acknowledge her, but she was no longer welcome to know my personal affairs such as exam/assignment results or what I was doing and with who.
So with that sorted I left her and I did some serious thinking about other issues that have come up in my life. Firstly there is the issue with living in this hostel. The fact is many people from the fringes of society collect here. Don't get me wrong - there are good eggs in the basket - but there are also other people who are the kind I have no wish to surround myself with. Do I want to be friends with someone who was actually said "if he joins our group of friends [speaking about a rather camp, gay man - on the basis that he is camp], then I will leave!" Do I want to be around people who cannot take responsibility for their actions and believe everything bad that happens to them is other people's fault? The answer, simply, is no. I want to surround myself with open, accepting, loving people like those who I have surrounded myself with previously. So I have made the decision to leave the hostel. This won't happen until August (I've got to do the two full-time weeks at work during the holidays and get my tax return from the IRD to afford it) but it's in the works - and it makes me feel better just knowing it's GOING to happen. I'll be leaving with a couple I have met here who are kind, trustworthy and know exactly who I am and accept me for that. This is the couple who have heard my dramas and my reasons for leaving. It is the same couple who came and gave me alcohol on the night A let me down. These are the good eggs and are the kind of people I want to have in my life.
This then got me thinking about some other things. Firstly, what am I doing with my life? Am I happy with who I am? What do I want to do? The fact is I'm dedicated to uni until I'm 27. At 27 I want to be settling down, I want to have found a significant other and I want to be thinking about the future, whatever that may be. I want to travel and I want to be happy with my appearance and myself. So today I took steps to being happy with myself. I've made a dentist appointment and I'm taking steps to consolidating my debts, making saving for travel while still at uni a reality. When I leave uni I want the only debt to my name to be my student loan (and even then I'd prefer not to have that). I can live without a credit card, but my teeth are the one thing I am very self consious about. I hate them and it's time to do something about it. It's time to stop giving the blame to The Evil Flatmate and to The Slut. It's time to take responsibility for who I am, how much money I have in the bank and what I do with my life. So the next step in my life is to make myself happy with me. This involves my outward appearance, my health (although don't take that as a 'Kat's going to lose weight' - I hate dieting. It may however mean I give up smoking) and how I feel about myself because afterall - my main reason for leaving Rocklands is because I don't like what it makes ME. It's turning me into a bitch and I hate that.
So now I have dealt with the big-issue-at-the-moment, and filled you all in. Please don't lose touch 'cos I don't talk to half of you as much as I would like, (partly my fault I'm pretty terrible at replying to emails) and if ANY of you have issues and need advice - I owe ya one :P
In other news I'm getting flirty text messages and emails from A. It's kinda fun but at the same time bloody annoying. I'm not even trying to get over him now - I'll just fall into a million pieces when he leaves (July 4th - sob). I'll just have to stock up on the wine and chocolate before then I suppose!
The plans for moving out are officially underway as well. I've had a chat to the couple I mentioned in the update and they are serious about moving out. This makes me extremely happy. We're thinking that somewhere between Newmarket and Three Kings (although closer the Newmarket area is ideal) would be the best spot. My dentist apointment is on Thursday (and not a moment too soon - ANOTHER one of my teeth is beginning to play up - if I have a tooth that doesn't need work I'll be surprised). So yes, life is moving slowly in a direction I am happy about (hell, even when A leaves there's always Email and I do plan to keep that boy as a friend if nothing else!)
My laptop is back - minus EVERYTHING. Colitis was right when he said the harddrive was fucked and so now I have a new one and I get to spend the next month re-installing my programmes, re-setting my settings and re-downloading my mp3s.
Being at debxena and fuzzy_ben's is doing me the world of good. It's great to get home, have a beer and chill out. I've had a few mates around (the ones I plan to move out with - being here has only strengthened our resolve to leave). I've not yet used the bath (saving that as a reward for doing my stats...) but I have baked cookies, watched Invader Zim and Animaniacs and had lots of home cooking (yay!). Once I finish stats I'll have alot more time to attack all the fun stuff in this house (and maybe do a little cleaning so they can come home to a sparkling house).
Anyway, that's me, only two questions to go on my stats and then I can have a long, relaxing bath :)
Friday, May 12, 2006
Nothing on the A front - don't ask. Boys, Rocks... you know the drill.
That said I'm pretty damn sure I want to be moving out of here soonish. I just did my tax return and it seems the IRD owe me $250 (YAY) plus theres the interest free overdraft I can get at the bank, and the $300 bond currently tied up in this place.
Thinking about it I'd need a fair lump of cash for bond and rent in advance. Ontop of that I'd need a bed and a desk.
But mostly I'm sorted... it's a serious thought. I've floated it with the only two peple I could really consider living with here (a couple). I'll see where it goes but fankly I'm sick of the politics and the bitchyness and the only thing really keeping me here is A, and he's leaving in July anyway.
So yeah, it's on the cards.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
(Some content, deemed drivvel about a stripper song meme thing has been removed)
in other news... I showed the email to A the other day (those who don't understand, I'm sorry but you're unlikely to find out). We'd spent a good 11 hours drinking Tui in the fantastic establishment that is Shadows and after 11 hours of Dutch courage I gave him a print out of it before we went our seperate ways (You see, I'm a big chicken). He came down around 45 minutes later and said that something would happen (I'm not sure if that's the him-me thing or the get-the-crazy-lady thing) and he 'needed time to think' so now I'm here, in limbo, feeling rather sick to tell you the truth, doing the only thing I can do - wait. It's driving me bananas.
(I will update with shareable info if any comes to light)
That said I have wonderful friends and knowing you guys have my back is the most wonderful feeling in the world *group hug* thanks to all of you!!
Hrm, well I'm at uni on my massive five hour break. Going to go study - tata
Monday, May 8, 2006
NOTE: This is an archive post from LiveJournal which has been logged here for posterity. The original post was friends-locked.
First of all thank you to everyone who has offerred advice. It seems the general concensus is that I'm not immagining this and this woman is a nutter.
I've had a bit of a chat to A about it all - seems he's seeing it as well and is on my side, which is always helpful in these things :)
Some of my favourite quotes/advice are below;
Can you talk to the hostel management? - colitis.
GROW SOME BALLS!
it sound like you have a crazy woman on your tail. personally i think if she is firting with i guy who is 11yrs younger than her she needs help!!! i think you need to be up front with her and tell her to back off from you and that you will contact her when you want to talk to her, if i was up in auckland i would come and kick her arse!!! - RainbowBright
I will definately be keeping you all updated however. :)
NOTE: This is an archive post from LiveJournal which has been logged here for posterity. The original post was friends-locked.
Well my friends, you are receiving this journal entry (published at http://filmgeeknz.livejournal.com - only visible to those on my friends list, if you wish to be added, email me) as I need advice. To start you all off I'm going to give you a quick introduction to the people I will be mainly talking about in the following text. The first person you need to be aware of will be known as M. As much as I would like to call her ScaryStalkerPersonWhoWon'tLeaveMeTheFuckAlone it's really too long and even SSPWWLMA is a little stupid, so M it is. The second person you are going to need to know about will be referred to as A. Not because his name starts with A, but because he is Australian. I would like to call him ReallyHotManICan'tBeAroundEnough, but again, it's a bit long and RHMICBAE is also pretty retarded.
So having introduced you to the two main characters of our story (more may come about later, but mostly I will only be referring to these two people specifically), I am now going to whisk you back to three weeks ago when a group of us (including M and A) went drinking in a park. This day is also referred to as Bad Friday (yes, it was Easter).
M was aware that I have the hots (to put it mildly) for A and had offerred to go in and find out if anything could or would happen. Kat, being drunk and stupid lets her. M and A go and talk in a corner and M came back to me later with the words (and I quote) "Never going to happen." It is worthwhile here to reiterate that I was drunk, and I really have quite a mad crush on this guy. Two bottles of wine, and a harsh brush off was not going to be putting me in a good mood. This is where things go sour.
M and A join back into the main conversation. A is leaning on a sloped wall directly infront of me. M then goes and leans on his knees. This is by default a reasonably intimate gesture, it brings you very close to the person you are leaning on. All this is going on right infront of me (please remember the drunk and stupid thing) and so I deal with this for a while before the cold, the drink and the jealousy get to me too much and I go home. My final words to the group are "No, I'm fat enough and ugly enough to walk two blocks by myself thanks".
The following is second hand information from a reliable source. Apparently M got the (not so subtle) hint and texted me asking 'are you OK?' My answer went something along the lines of 'No, you two faced cow.' This was apparently relayed to the gathered group at the park and made fun of by M. Meanwhile I went to bed, fuming that this girl had sat there and literally broken me, in using the worst possible wording for letting me down, and then flirting with the object of my affection directly in front of me. (Just writing about it makes me mad all over again!)
It took me almost 24 hours to get over the physical hangover, longer for the mental one. M had been texting and calling me all day. Knocking on my window and generally harassing me when, believe me, the last person I wanted to see was her. I did a lot of study that day stuck in my room and had a few sneaky ciggarettes upstairs where it was harder to find me. Later that night I decided to confront her over what she had done. I was fed an excuse about her 'bad back' and how she 'is just comfortable around men'. She claimed the fact that he is 11 years younger then her (he's 21, she's 32) was another reason 'nothing would ever happen'. This may be so, but I personally put my friendships ahead of everything, and I am very careful about obeying those friend-boy rules (never put a boy before a friend, never go after your friend's boyfriend, never go after or appear to go after the object of your friends affection). Her excuses literally meant shit to me and while I was capable of giving her the benefit of the doubt, I was not capable of trusting her or forgiving her. This is where the trouble really starts.
You see the funny thing about trust is that it's very easy to lose and extremely hard to gain. Many people I've met at my hostel are yet to gain my trust, infact only three people have managed to get it at all. If I trust someone, I am likely to give them a lot of leeway in things that I would not perhaps give a complete stranger, or someone I do not trust. Without any veil of trust however, every power game and annoying habit of M's has come to light.
During the conversation above, M offered to drive me to Whangarei. I had already booked a bus, but this way would have saved me the torment that only a bus can bring. (I paid her the equivelent of my ticket in petrol money). At the time I figured she was sucking up, and I still think it was partially for that reason, but I now know she's playing a power game with me, and I'll illustrate below.
The day before we were due to go, M rang me at work to tell me that A was going to come as well. This was a surprise to me and in the two weeks since Bad Friday I have not got even close to getting over him. Infact, his grace at handling the situation (reliable secondhand information had given me the account his reasoning for nothing happening was because we live together and he was apparently quite nice about it) had if anything made my feelings worse. And he was about to meet my parents.
Those who have actually met my parents know that they're cool, so I wasn't so worried about it but it did seem strange. I happened to mention my mother's habit of assuming anyone I bought home was my partner to M (stupid me) and so she decided that her and A could pretend they were together. My protests on this subject went unheralded - if my mother had asked me about it I would have told her the truth, I was going to have to see this through. I then got to watch her flirting with him (he basically just made it look like it wasn't a complete surprise to him. Actually he didn't do much of the 'couple' thing at all.) Infront of my parents. That, quite frankly was just embarrassing.
On top of her blatent disregard for the 'rules' however, there is another issue. She assumes I want to spend every waking hour with her. All day I am assaulted with text messages, phone calls (sometimes up to four in one day), and knocks on my door. My friends know that if I don't get time to myself I go barmy... I am finding it hard to get time to myself and the last time I needed it I literally had to lie on the floor in my darkened room while she knocked on the window and repeatedly called and texted.
I'm also dragged along on her errands (although this is one I'm able to put my foot down on). I feel like her handbag. I'm getting throughly annoyed and pissed off at the lack of space this crazy woman is giving me.
This woman is 32 - life experience in my 23 years has tought me this behaviour is not normal. Through conversations with other people I know of at least 3 other people who have been through what I am going through. Hints do not work. The last victim of this torment had to tell her to "get the fuck away" from her. I always assumed that at 32 I would be in the middle of my career, with a partner and travelling the world. At 32 this woman is stalking other people and making my life, frankly a nightmare.
My problem is I live with her. I enjoy my hostel, I don't want to move. Imagine high school - the cliques and the backstabbing. This is what it's like, and yet there are some very good eggs among the bad ones. My life isn't all bad, but at the moment this woman is driving me nuts.
Dear friends, people who have proved their worth over many years of friendship, I need your help. I refuse to be hounded and stalked and forced into hiding again. I refuse to let this shit get me down, but I need your advice. You cannot have recieved this email if I don't highly value your friendship and trust you with my life. This woman is becoming scary - Deb you have official permission to use your FuckRake.
Wednesday, May 3, 2006
Well, uni today is shaping up to be rather good (hurrah!) I've got two of my assignments back and I'm still not failing! (Double hurrah!)
Media Studies (also known as the stupidest, most irrelevent, difficult course ever to exist) had me worried. I'd needed to 'closely analyse' a text. Most specifically the new Mitre 10 ad (a guy loses his job, his dog, his wife, most of his possessions - he discovers Mitre10 and suddenly his life is good again). So I went to the old standby that I use for this stuff. I made it all up and spoke alot of bull. Amazingly it worked and I got a B+ - hurrah! (yes, there are a lot of 'hurrahs' in this update). Looking through the markers comments it was pretty obvious the marker hadn't been convinced by any of my ideas and I'd left alot of gaps, but I'm not complaining with the grade!
Geography (my major for people who don't already know) came back as well - 95%. Second assignment is officially better then the first (for which I got 90%). I'm very happy, and understand where I lost out on my marks. Interestingly I proved to myself last night that I am definately studying the right thing - at about midnight Epsom was hit with the downpour from hell and what is my reaction? To run outside in my PJ's, with my camera (tho it was too wet to actually use it), a plastic cup and stopwatch to do some experiments to find out how MUCH rain was coming down (average estimate of 6cm/hour according to my observation) The NZ Herald doesn't give a comparible estimate, but it sure was fun running around in the rain in my (very wet) pajamas... I just wanted to go bang on everyone's doors so they'd come out and play with me!
Anyway, really this post is me putting off studying for my Geo test in just over an hour... so I should really go do that!!
Monday, May 1, 2006
Well, not much to report. Just thought I should. I've been on my two week break on which I should have been working on assignments - but mostly did things like getting drunk, changing my hair colour, spending a little bit of time up north with the parentals and sleeping. I did manage to whack out an assignment over the time, but it was on Lord of the Rings so when you're talking about me, it hardly counts.
I ended up horribly smashed the first weekend of the holidays and my Good Friday was anything but. Got a firm rebuff from the guy I'd been after (ah suckage) threw my toys and then got to spend the rest of the weekend recovering from both the physical hangover caused by two bottles of very cheap Riesling and the mental hangover caused by the rebuff and the tantrum... oh dear.
The first week of the holidays saw me doing alot of work, which kinda sucked but ah well. Then up to Northland with a couple of mates from the hostel who were happy to get out for a day and be fed by my mother (gotta love my mother's cooking!) A few days there then I got to get up at Sparrow Fart to get a ride back with my father who was down for a meeting.
Anyway, that really was a dull update (but hell, at least it was an update) I'll write when I have something to say that doesn't sound completely retarded.