Depression and General Teenage Angst

Well, many people have written deep and meaningful stuff about themselves here, so I figure, while in the mood I'm in I will too.

Note: this column is going to put right some of the biggest lies I've ever told my best friends, please forgive me.

All my life I've never really felt right when it comes to guys. No matter what I did, my weight (which is well above normal) has made me feel like no guy could ever like me.

I'm a virgin, 17, and never been kissed, well there was one time, with a guy I thought I liked, who was 2 years my junior, but it was a peck on the lips, and I don't feel it counts.

No matter how much I tell myself that I'm beautiful, healthy and worthy of a "more then friendship" kind of love, I never quite believe it. The whole idea of a relationship scares me. What do I do? How will it happen?

I've asked guys "out" before, and many times get negative responses, which has never helped my ego. I've had "cyber relationships" with, one guy in particular, that made me feel special, he knew what I looked like, knew who I was, talked to me on the phone and made me feel loved. But nothing physical ever transpired. It was him that gave me my love for Wellington, who inspired me to move here when I finally flew the nest.

I've been asked out once, by a guy who'd previously turned me down twice, and although the idea was appealing, I couldn't bring myself to say yes, I couldn't bring myself to do anything. The question was asked in a drunken slur, and after many hints that the person would "never get laid". I didn't want to be in a relationship where the whole thing was physical, where I wouldn't get the feeling I got from my cyberguy, a feeling of butterflies and feeling giggly.

I've been through the normal "am I gay? am I bi-sexual?" questions, and to be honest, I don't think I am.

But I don't know if a relationship will ever happen either. I know people say "everything in it's own good time" but I can't believe it, I can't believe that the things on TV, the things you see when you're walking down the street, when you see a couple walking hand-in-hand or hugging or kissing, or even fighting, I don't see that happening to me.

So what inspired this tell-all, for my mother and best friends to read? I'm not sure, but maybe now I've told them, I can untangle myself from this web of self-loathing.