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NOTE: This is an archive post from LiveJournal which has been logged here for posterity.

I got an email from my father tonight, it's a routine email, just letting me know about some money he's giving me to facilitate going to the doctor for my depression.

Here's the email:

Hi,

I have arranged a regular $60 for the next six weeks with the money going in on Monday night.

All the best and lots of love.

Dad


That email made me cry.

It's because it's the first time in living memory my father has said 'love' in reference to me, to me.

Shit happens and then you get shat on again

Hrm, where to start? Well life never goes well for long does it? There's always a problem of some kind.

My cousin, who is from Auckland and 15, has run away from home, and straight down here, and I'm stuck in the middle, I feel as if I'm being ripped in half, torn between her and her parents, it's hard to do the right thing when you're not 100% sure of what that is.

Work, has been piling up, and i'm not going to be getting any kind of a break until Monday, which means 3 very stressful days of Jurassic Park 3 (which, by the way, sucks) with many stupid Hoyts customers (75% of Hoyts customers suck) asking stupid questions, and then... well I'm going to probably be stuck dealing with things to do with my cousin.... or filling in for one of my best friends who's currently in hospital (another stress).

It's hard to talk and relax, when noone will listen.

I just want something I can never have

Have you ever moved out of home, then gone back and been driven up the walls. I find it hard to believe that having moved out of home, I'll ever be able to move back for any long duration of time, I've only been back in Rotorua for five days, and already being home has driven me crazy.

and it probably didn't help that my alcoholic brother stole half a bottle of vodka off one of my mates last night and got fucked on it last night.

I almost feel like shit at home has changed, I have friends afraid to talk to my parents for fear of getting their heads bitten off, and to be honest in so many words I feel the same way.

So today I just packed a bag and took off. Walked from my house into town and got a ride in about half way. Now I'm staying at friend's flats, and I plan to be doing this on and off thruout the holidays, because being home, as I predicted a few days ago, is driving me insane.

So why is it, once you move out of home, you can't handle going back? Is it the fact that you're used to living under your own rules, having whoever over, whenever, to do whatever, without the worries of beginning to distrust family members, without the parental rules. The freedom comes with a price, that society calls rent, but my God, is it worth it.

thoughts and prayers

Few things make you cherish your life like hearing about the misfortunes in other's lives.

That sounds cold, but it's (in many cases) true.

I just got home to find a close friend's parents have split up, and she's devastated, and another friend has found out a friend's parent's were in America and just died in a car accident.

I don't know how I'd react if that was true in my case. If my parents broke up, I'd be shattered and I know many of my friends, who are close to my parents would be too, the same goes if one of my friend's parents died. I'd be sorry for my friend, and in my way, I'd feel their pain, but I'd also feel my own grief due to the fact I always try to get to know my friends parents.... nothing is worse then when your best friend's parents hate you.

On the same note, when I was in Rotorua I found out one of my close mates from Intermediate parent's had broken up too.

And another close friend from High School's father recently died of cancer.

I'm not sure which is worse, death or splitting up. I remember being about 14 when my parents used to argue in the room beside mine, I remember the pain at the thought they were going to break up, turning up my stereo full blast to drown it out and in the end getting on my bike and riding to a friend's house, 3 kilometers away, to stay the night there, simply to get away from it, and warning my brother on the way (he had been out during most of it and we met up on our bikes, me going out, him coming in) of what was happening and it probably being better to stay away for awhile.

I remember the sadness in my friend's and her mother's eyes when I sat there in their living room crying on their dining room table, telling them what had happened. I remember writing to my cousin saying "I'd be surprised if my parents lasted another 6 months together" and I remember laughing when he reminded me of this a year ago.

I recently saw an article in the NZ Herald about the effect that the parents splitting up had on children, it said that of the children surveyed, almost all of them wanted more input on the terms and conditions put on visitations, and which parent they lived with. This is a younger age bracket then that of my friends, but the principle remains the same: no matter what the situation, the children will ALWAYS become hurt in a death, separation or divorce.

It is this kind of thing that makes me mad when I see people getting married or pregnant to someone they barely know. In marriage, yes, some of these "I've known you 3 minutes let's get married" things work, but as a majority, they don't. For those who are pregnant, in my opinion, it is better to have an abortion then let that soul live a life of pain and suffering. Don't get me wrong, I'm not strictly pro-abortion, there are many bad things that I can see about the issue, but I've always taken comfort in something I remember someone once saying to me "If a young child dies, or is aborted, that soul will grow up in the care of God and when their parents go to join them in heaven, they will be re-united." It may sound soppy and very Christian of me, but what do you think is better? A child growing up, never knowing the feeling of love, and repeating the cycle their parents have started or followed themselves, or growing up with someone who abounds with love, created love, IS love?

Another thing that has always bothered me, that kinda could fit into this rant is how adults, especially in my father's side of the family love to skip telling the children. My grandfather, who although I rarely saw, I dearly loved, suffered from cancer, I, however, was never informed of this by my parents, thank God I am a very nosey little girl and read a letter from my parents to my grandmother that mentioned this issue. From what I could gather through talks with my cousins (who were informed) my grandfather was in remission, and in the end died of a heart attack bought on by his reduced strength. I could be wrong, if I am (and I'm talking to my mother here) mum, email me and tell me the truth, I'm old enough to handle it. At the funeral, we were basically told to sit down and shut up, wouldn't it have made a better funeral, for us anyway, to be able to share our thoughts and experiences? We may have been young but, at 3rd form I did understand what death meant and I needed to grieve as well. At the wake, instead of eating the food the adults got, we were put in a small room with a packet of some of the WORST fish & chips you've ever seen (they honestly looked like they'd been hacked to death) and a TV. Looking back, I'm glad of it, because that side of the family, to me both then and now, never really took to heart that children have hearts and feelings as well.

Well this has been a rather long rant, so I guess I'll get going, nice to get that off my chest though

sucky things

My cousin came today on her oh-so-secret trip into town. You see, after the murder of a classmate of hers she is not allowed to come in on Friday/ Saturday nights, but, it doesn't stop her.

She came and saw me, like always, to get drunk in my room, she usually brings chicks with her, but today she bought her boyfriend and some guy mates, and OH MY GOD!

It completely sucks having your cousin being a year and a half younger then you, cos her friend, who shall remain nameless, was HOT, but also 16.

Fullstop. End of the Line. Next Paragraph.

Hopefully my cousin will come by again later tonight.... *fingers crossed* ;P I'll keep ya posted :)