Part 1: Before the Carnage Intoxico was picked up by her superhero friend XXX-Girl, in the yellow Pornmobile, and was promptly whisked away to H-Town. There was a crisis, Dr Evil was turning 21 and needed help getting over the shock.
So armed with their superhero weapons of alcohol, cigarettes, spots, bad jokes, children’s songs, two decks of cards and amyl they set off to Dr Evil’s lair.
Upon arrival in H-Town, they were thwarted by the evil Pak n’ Save, who refused the card that all XXX superhero’s carry – Amex. But the cheque account saved a messy scene, and the plebs kept their lives … for now.
Proceeded then the superhero’s to Dr Evil’s lair, taking extreme caution (ie: the scenic route) to ensure that no one followed them to the hideout. Upon arrival, they were accosted by two stoned cleaning ladies, one of whom was Dr Evil trying out a new disguise, and the other his heroic sidekick, Sexy Sheryl FemBot.
After a small disaster retrieving the weaponry from the Pornmobile (the bag broke!), XXX-Girl showed off her culinary skills in the hellpit of food preparation, the end result being very spicy chicken, and a divine salad – food for the gods (and superheroes) indeed!
XXX-Girl and Intoxico undertook to explain the story of Dr Evil’s life through visual aids. Photos of him as a small (naked) child; an older brat; and finally his formative years as he became what he is today, were brought forth from their resting places and cellotaped to the walls.
After practising with their weapons to ensure they were finely honed for the battle that evening (and testing again, just to make sure!), the Huanator returned from his top-secret mission (work – superheroes pay rent too, you know). It was now Sexy Sheryl FemBots turn to leave the lair and undertake a personal task -–feeding the kids.
Their new mission, that our four heroes (XXX Girl, Intoxico, Dr Evil and the Huanator) were to undertake, was to confront Pizza the Hutt in a head to head battle to the death. After XXX-Girl’s small skirmish with the nuts, the heroes triumphed, leaving behind the carnage of pizza leavings, pasta sauce, and liquid fudge.
Our intrepid team split into pairs, with Dr Evil and Intoxico on a mission for large chunks of frozen H2O, while the Huanator and XXX-Girl took the Pornmobile in search of a non-recyclable flash-picture recording device. Having retrieved these last two items, our superheroes were ready for the long night ahead.
Stay tuned for the next episode of this heroic adventure … Part 2: The CarnageOther superheroes began to trickle into Dr Evil’s lair, as the cards were being prepared for a to-the-death battle of
Hockey. Drinks were poured, cigarettes lit, with jokes being withheld until the appropriate moment.
The ferocious battle began! Alcohol levels (in the bottles) dropped, while they rose in the bloodstream of our heroes. Ashtrays filled, the sounds of
BINGO, The BumbleBee Song, Ten in the Bed, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, The Alphabet Song, Ten Guitars, Old MacDonald, Mary Had a Little Lamb, and of course,
Happy Birthday filled the air.
Laughter filled the room as jokes – baaaaaad jokes – were shared, and as our heroes embarrassed themselves answering the Truth rather than taking the Dare.
The battle died down to a dull roar, and Dr Evil was presented with flowing Champagne as his sister, XXX-Girl, made the speech. Reference was made to the photographs, embarrassing moments in Dr Evil’s life, and sex sex sex! He was then presented with
The Key To The City (which all superheroes receive upon turning 21), and it was passed around the room to be autographed.
Finally, Dr Evil could respond to XXX-Girl, and the crowd.
He was pissed (off his nut), but nonetheless presented an eloquent face and non-slurry words as he replied.
“You are all my prisoners! You will not be released until you give me as my gift … ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!” Everyone laughed at this, and told him to get fucked, at which point he sat down and continued to scull champagne.
There was cake then.
Superheroes came and went, and cigarette supplies were getting dangerously low. XXX-Girl and Intoxico undertook to replenish the stocks. After dosing up on amyl, they made the brief walk to Beyond Petroleum, where they encountered the sadistic PoxyMoron. Despite presenting her Amex, which no superheroes receive before the age of 20, PoxyMoron took delight in thwarting their ambitions, and they were forced to return to the lair to retrieve XXX-Girl’s superhero identification card.
Upon return to Beyond Petroleum, PoxyMoron became immediately defensive, as he was not expecting anyone to stand up to his nastiness (it being he suffered from Delusions of Grandeur). Having given proof of identification, and an icy manner to PoxyMoron, XXX-Girl was allowed to use her Amex card and replenished the cigarette supply. After safely stashing the cigarettes in Intoxico’s SuperYellowSatchel™, our intrepid heroes forced PoxyMoron to reveal his identity (he was not wearing the regulation name badge!!). After protests from the sadistic shitbag, he reluctantly gave his name, and the name of his overlord.
XXX-Girl and Intoxico left satisfied, knowing that they had paid PoxyMoron back for temporarily damping the buzz and endangering the success of their mission, as he would spend the rest of the shift fretting about what plans the superheroes had in store for him (Mwah-hah-hah-hah!).
Intoxico and XXX-Girl returned to the lair to discover that few of the superheroes remained (but lots of alcohol). XXX-Girl tried a spot and the buzz was instantly restored, while Intoxico merely lived up to her name.
Upon finding an empty bottle (an easy task), the Huanator proposed a new challenge – Truth or Dare. The challenge was taken up with enthusiasm, but soon an impostor entered their midst. His name was Doris the Drug-Dealing Dyke, and his catchphrase was
“Show us yer tits”. He bragged about his conquests, and the superheroes began to realise that he should not have stumbled onto Dr Evil’s lair at all – he was a phony!
Evasive action was taken immediately – the Huanator and Dr Evil retired to the bedroom in an attempt to scare away Doris the DDD. XXX-Girl, Intoxico, the Lovely Leah, Gorgeous Gerald, and Big Gay Chris continued to play, ALWAYS choosing Truth, for fear that the dare would be
“Show us yer tits!”Finally realising that Doris the DDD was settling in, they took a more effective approach, deciding that even superheroes need sleep. They told Doris the DDD that he needed to go home now. Once he was out the door, the super-bitching session began, with our story’s heroes demonstrating their dislike by creating Doris the DDD dolls and impaling them with their swords, all the while creating curses and life-altering effects, to ensure that Doris would never return to the lair again.
And then they went to sleep.
Stay tuned for the final episode of this heroic adventure … Part 3: After the CarnageOne of the advantages of having super powers is that it’s a breeze to clean up after a party. Liberal application of a broom to the floor, magic cleansing liquid to the shotglasses, and very cold waters to the hangovers, meant that by 9am the lair was returned to normal, and our superheroes began to perk up.
Neurofen and Amyl are an essential part of any superheroes kit, and our four protagonists were no exception, with both being required along with cold caffienated drinks. Unfortunately, the caffienated drinks were not a cold as hoped, as the refrigerator seemed unable to cope with the Huanator’s immense strength, and had unexpectedly died. A fridge corpse is not a pretty thing.
And is at this point we must leave our superheroes, to allow them to return to their day-to-day identities. Do
YOU know who they are?
