A Mission of Superhero Standards

Part 1: Before the Carnage
Intoxico was picked up by her superhero friend XXX-Girl, in the yellow Pornmobile, and was promptly whisked away to H-Town. There was a crisis, Dr Evil was turning 21 and needed help getting over the shock.

So armed with their superhero weapons of alcohol, cigarettes, spots, bad jokes, children’s songs, two decks of cards and amyl they set off to Dr Evil’s lair.

Upon arrival in H-Town, they were thwarted by the evil Pak n’ Save, who refused the card that all XXX superhero’s carry – Amex. But the cheque account saved a messy scene, and the plebs kept their lives … for now.

Proceeded then the superhero’s to Dr Evil’s lair, taking extreme caution (ie: the scenic route) to ensure that no one followed them to the hideout. Upon arrival, they were accosted by two stoned cleaning ladies, one of whom was Dr Evil trying out a new disguise, and the other his heroic sidekick, Sexy Sheryl FemBot.

After a small disaster retrieving the weaponry from the Pornmobile (the bag broke!), XXX-Girl showed off her culinary skills in the hellpit of food preparation, the end result being very spicy chicken, and a divine salad – food for the gods (and superheroes) indeed!

XXX-Girl and Intoxico undertook to explain the story of Dr Evil’s life through visual aids. Photos of him as a small (naked) child; an older brat; and finally his formative years as he became what he is today, were brought forth from their resting places and cellotaped to the walls.

After practising with their weapons to ensure they were finely honed for the battle that evening (and testing again, just to make sure!), the Huanator returned from his top-secret mission (work – superheroes pay rent too, you know). It was now Sexy Sheryl FemBots turn to leave the lair and undertake a personal task -–feeding the kids.

Their new mission, that our four heroes (XXX Girl, Intoxico, Dr Evil and the Huanator) were to undertake, was to confront Pizza the Hutt in a head to head battle to the death. After XXX-Girl’s small skirmish with the nuts, the heroes triumphed, leaving behind the carnage of pizza leavings, pasta sauce, and liquid fudge.

Our intrepid team split into pairs, with Dr Evil and Intoxico on a mission for large chunks of frozen H2O, while the Huanator and XXX-Girl took the Pornmobile in search of a non-recyclable flash-picture recording device. Having retrieved these last two items, our superheroes were ready for the long night ahead.

Stay tuned for the next episode of this heroic adventure …

Part 2: The Carnage
Other superheroes began to trickle into Dr Evil’s lair, as the cards were being prepared for a to-the-death battle of Hockey. Drinks were poured, cigarettes lit, with jokes being withheld until the appropriate moment.

The ferocious battle began! Alcohol levels (in the bottles) dropped, while they rose in the bloodstream of our heroes. Ashtrays filled, the sounds of BINGO, The BumbleBee Song, Ten in the Bed, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, The Alphabet Song, Ten Guitars, Old MacDonald, Mary Had a Little Lamb, and of course, Happy Birthday filled the air.

Laughter filled the room as jokes – baaaaaad jokes – were shared, and as our heroes embarrassed themselves answering the Truth rather than taking the Dare.

The battle died down to a dull roar, and Dr Evil was presented with flowing Champagne as his sister, XXX-Girl, made the speech. Reference was made to the photographs, embarrassing moments in Dr Evil’s life, and sex sex sex! He was then presented with The Key To The City (which all superheroes receive upon turning 21), and it was passed around the room to be autographed.

Finally, Dr Evil could respond to XXX-Girl, and the crowd.

He was pissed (off his nut), but nonetheless presented an eloquent face and non-slurry words as he replied. “You are all my prisoners! You will not be released until you give me as my gift … ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!” Everyone laughed at this, and told him to get fucked, at which point he sat down and continued to scull champagne.

There was cake then.

Superheroes came and went, and cigarette supplies were getting dangerously low. XXX-Girl and Intoxico undertook to replenish the stocks. After dosing up on amyl, they made the brief walk to Beyond Petroleum, where they encountered the sadistic PoxyMoron. Despite presenting her Amex, which no superheroes receive before the age of 20, PoxyMoron took delight in thwarting their ambitions, and they were forced to return to the lair to retrieve XXX-Girl’s superhero identification card.

Upon return to Beyond Petroleum, PoxyMoron became immediately defensive, as he was not expecting anyone to stand up to his nastiness (it being he suffered from Delusions of Grandeur). Having given proof of identification, and an icy manner to PoxyMoron, XXX-Girl was allowed to use her Amex card and replenished the cigarette supply. After safely stashing the cigarettes in Intoxico’s SuperYellowSatchel™, our intrepid heroes forced PoxyMoron to reveal his identity (he was not wearing the regulation name badge!!). After protests from the sadistic shitbag, he reluctantly gave his name, and the name of his overlord.

XXX-Girl and Intoxico left satisfied, knowing that they had paid PoxyMoron back for temporarily damping the buzz and endangering the success of their mission, as he would spend the rest of the shift fretting about what plans the superheroes had in store for him (Mwah-hah-hah-hah!).

Intoxico and XXX-Girl returned to the lair to discover that few of the superheroes remained (but lots of alcohol). XXX-Girl tried a spot and the buzz was instantly restored, while Intoxico merely lived up to her name.

Upon finding an empty bottle (an easy task), the Huanator proposed a new challenge – Truth or Dare. The challenge was taken up with enthusiasm, but soon an impostor entered their midst. His name was Doris the Drug-Dealing Dyke, and his catchphrase was “Show us yer tits”. He bragged about his conquests, and the superheroes began to realise that he should not have stumbled onto Dr Evil’s lair at all – he was a phony!

Evasive action was taken immediately – the Huanator and Dr Evil retired to the bedroom in an attempt to scare away Doris the DDD. XXX-Girl, Intoxico, the Lovely Leah, Gorgeous Gerald, and Big Gay Chris continued to play, ALWAYS choosing Truth, for fear that the dare would be “Show us yer tits!”

Finally realising that Doris the DDD was settling in, they took a more effective approach, deciding that even superheroes need sleep. They told Doris the DDD that he needed to go home now. Once he was out the door, the super-bitching session began, with our story’s heroes demonstrating their dislike by creating Doris the DDD dolls and impaling them with their swords, all the while creating curses and life-altering effects, to ensure that Doris would never return to the lair again.

And then they went to sleep.

Stay tuned for the final episode of this heroic adventure …

Part 3: After the Carnage
One of the advantages of having super powers is that it’s a breeze to clean up after a party. Liberal application of a broom to the floor, magic cleansing liquid to the shotglasses, and very cold waters to the hangovers, meant that by 9am the lair was returned to normal, and our superheroes began to perk up.

Neurofen and Amyl are an essential part of any superheroes kit, and our four protagonists were no exception, with both being required along with cold caffienated drinks. Unfortunately, the caffienated drinks were not a cold as hoped, as the refrigerator seemed unable to cope with the Huanator’s immense strength, and had unexpectedly died. A fridge corpse is not a pretty thing.



And is at this point we must leave our superheroes, to allow them to return to their day-to-day identities. Do YOU know who they are?

post-birthday ramble

First Alcoholic Beverage Legally Purchased: Rum and Coke
Place Purchased: Massey University Student Bar
First Bottle of Alcoholic Beverage Legally Purchased: Coruba 40oz
Place Purchased: The Mill, Central Wellington
Did I get Id'ed?: Yes, when I went to the Mill, I got in, but it took a bit of convincing, I had to pull out the 18+ papers (which only need JP signing and they're ready to go) as well as my student ID.
First Packet of Cigarettes Legally Purchased: Horizon 20's
Place Purchased: StarMart, Manners Mall
Clubbing?: No
Bar Hopping?: No
Completely Fuck Faced?: No
Happy Anyway?: Yes

Had a really good time today, went to school and enjoyed my class a whole heap, progressed to student bar where I was from 2:30 until 7:30, yes, 5 hours, in the same bar. I got a free Rum and Coke from one of the receptionists from downstairs who happened to be at the bar, and basically just socially drank the whole time with classmates..... boy, can chef's drink, honestly, all of the department practically were there and the tutors were apparently going out someplace as well!!

And amazingly, I still can't get over the fact that whipping out a little piece of plastic means I can buy stuff I've never previously (legally) bought. 18 years of one thing, and suddenly changing to another is something to get used to!!

I got a phone call in the morning from my best friend who promptly sang "happy birthday to you, you smell like a poo, you look like a monkey and you act like one too". Later that night (about 8pm) while on my way to The Mill I got a phone call from another friend who got my entire former youthgroup to sing me happy birthday (the original version) from Rotorua... I feel loved :)

I enjoyed my birthday cake (thanks mum, it was good) and so have all the people I've given bits to. It's rather big, and I don't wanna get any fatter then I already am...

Thanks to Deb for my E Card :) muchly appreciated, sunflowers are my fave :)

Anyway, I've still got a few things to do before bed (I'm tired as, shit all sleep last night and alcohol-induced sleepiness) I guess I should still be out, but you know, shit happens and then you wipe your ass.

Celebrate good times COME ON!

Well, it's 58 minutes until my birthday and I have a few things to rant about:

First of all: apart from this sentence I promise not to mention the Olympics in this column.

Second: If I ever get my hands on the person(s) that decided females shaving legs/underarms/other areas is sexy/good, I will strangle them... I spent 30 minutes shaving tonight.... GRR

Third: my mummy sent me a nice big chocolate cake :) gotta love not living at home, you can open your presents when you get them, my bank's getting filled up with big cheques and my belly will be filled with cake and alcohol tomorrow :)

Fourth: I've decided if any Wellingtonians wanna meet me, I'll be in Cuba mall, by the Peace Tree (outside Fusion) on Sunday at 1pm I'll sit there for 15 minutes, if no-one comes and sees me.... well... I'll feel like a fool. Also check out the forum thread on Wellingtonians all meeting up and stuff ;)

W00T 50 minutes til my birthday!!!!!!!

If you want to go out

Generosity. It's a great part of human nature, and it's the coolest thing when it pops out of nowhere when you least expect it.

I was lying in bed this afternoon, because I had very little sleep last night, and my phone starts ringing. I answer it to find it's a lady who's been staying at the hostel for the last week. I had mentioned at some point my birthday to her, and she had bought me a present.

It's not big, or expensive, but it's certainly beautiful, and it was such a gesture, that of a birthday present from someone I barely know, that makes it one of the best presents I could receive.

It's a coffee mug, gold trim, lots of little bits... It's got an Egyptian picture on the front and the words "Seti Between Horse and Osiris" if anyone can tell me what this means, I'd be very grateful :)

On another completely different note, anyone else heard the new Limp Bizkit song Rollin'? It's on the new CD due out mid-October... I gotta admit, I quite like it, there's heaps of lines from previous songs, and looks like it's more like Significant Other then 3 Dollar Bill, which is good, 'cos IMO, Significant Other is much better then 3 Dollar Bill.

DAYS 'TIL GREENY'S BIRTHDAY

2 Days


Alcohol gladly accepted

Poisoning by Food

Food poisoning. Everyone I know has had it at some point, nobody likes it, every year it causes businesses to close down, and isn't it great when your teacher gets it?

My teacher has food poisoning. It sucks for him, he's a really cool guy, but it's great for us, we only had one class today :)

Speaking of food, the weirdest thing happened today, the food served at the hostel was good!! We had Beef Chow Mien (my favourite Chinese dish, followed closely by vegetable chow mien) and wedges... now I know wedges and chow mien don't really work... but who cares? They were both yummy!!

I've spent most of my free time today revamping some pants for my first night clubbing on Friday, they look really good, dark navy bootlegs transformed into flares with the help of some very bright streaks flowing from my knees. I've also done some homework, slept and even done my laundry... it's been a good day and I've got lots done.... one of these days I'll get around to cleaning my room....

I have a practical assessment tomorrow, a chicken salad and a poached salmon type thing. It should be pretty cruisy all going well. It's worth 40%, should be some easy marks.

Oh, and mum? I passed that chicken I had to resit :)

DAYS 'TIL GREENY'S BIRTHDAY

3 Days


Getting closer!!

we all live IN a yellow submarine

The Treasure Island thing, it's weird, I had to fill in this HUGE form (check it out here) which asked some really bullshit questions.... but they made me think that's for sure, it took me about an hour to fill in. I couldn't think of the scariest thing I'd ever done, I ended up saying moving out of home. But I can touch my toes without bending my knees (just).

I don't think I'll get in, I wouldn't look good on camera, but I guess you have to be in to win right?

I'm planning a movie day tomorrow. I'm spending half my day at the movie theater, I have some money, thanks to my tax return, and golly gosh, I'm going to treat myself, I'm planning to see The Sculls, followed by Scary Movie and finally Hollow Man. I've always wanted to do something completely stupid like that, I think I'll end up getting the story lines all mixed up though...

On another note, for students and poor people out there, there's a cool site out there that actually gives free stuff away (I wanted to try it and get some free stuff before I promoted it) it's at http://www.stuff4free.co.nz and it's damn good, I've got a packet of free corn nuts (taste like shit), free can of top secret (goes well with vodka) and I'm waiting on a free post it notes & holder as well as free sports balm. For those lucky bitches in Auckland you can get a free blank video as well.

and a new feature to my column, that will be running for the next week is "Days until greeny's birthday" this is partially to remind my mother about the big cheque and cake I want, and partially to get all you people to send me cheesy net cards so I feel loved ;P

DAYS 'TIL GREENY'S BIRTHDAY

5 Days


(I'll be 18)