A gentleman doesn't cum in your mouth

NOTE: This is an archive post from LiveJournal which has been logged here for posterity.

Heh... been dying to use that as a title for over a week now. Quite possibly the world's funniest quote... but anyway...

I'm beginning to think that perhaps I don't take enough risks... that perhaps there's alot more to life then what I do with it. That there are people out there to meet, people to fuck, things to do.

That perhaps the existence I've been carving for myself over the years - hiding in my own shell, celebate (the exact time period for that one will not be announced to the world...) and hiding away from everything - well, maybe that's not the way I should live.

The way I'm living now is a damn sight better then the way I was living in mid-2003 where I literally didn't leave my room for fear of gaining the Wrath of The Evil Flatmate. At least life isn't like that anymore.

I'm also not depressed - I'm quite healthy and happy. A little dissatisfied with my weight, but I'd like to think I'm making some positive moves about that - I'm discovering more about myself - I've just got to work up the courage to get the help I need for all that.

I'm not addicted to drugs of any kind, I'm smoke-free, THC-free and (contrary to what those on the 207 field trip might think) I'm not a big drinker.

I get good grades, hold down a job... I'm incredibly lucky in that I'll be moving soon which means a better place and a better job (so excited about the new job).

But I still feel as if I'm missing love, affection. I think part of me feels like I don't deserve it, like I'm too fat, too ugly, too damaged. That it's going to take a special person to understand me - and perhaps all that's true - but I've been getting offers lately - lots of offers. Up until now I've turned down each and every one of them but I'm beginning to wonder if I really should?

Then I get to the point where I almost say yes, the crucial moment, and I freeze. I realise if I have sex with this person that person will abandon me and I'll have to stay and pick up the pieces all over again. That to have sex with that person means tears, and heartbreak and depression and time that I just don't want to spend mending my broken heart again.

Now I realise exactly how badly I was hurt all those years ago. I might not feel anything toward the person now, but I got very badly hurt, and even worse, very badly scarred - and I'm still paying for that one night.