NOTE: This is an archive post from LiveJournal which has been logged here for posterity.
I got an email today - a foward. It was from someone I don't like very much, don't talk to and don't consider a friend, yet she thought it was appropriate to send me what might be accurately described as the worlds worst foward.
First of all - I've seen the same email come from the UK - the only difference between the two (this includes the statistics at the bottom of it) is that all references to the 'UK' has been replaced with references to 'NZ'. While I can't pass comment on the UK version, having never been there I thought I'd add my comments to this version. Partly to be trite, partly because I'm bored with an hour and a half to my next lecture and having just finished my essay.
Being a Kiwi is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
How many people here have a german car? Hands up please. Any Audis, BMWs, Porches or Volkswagons in the house? No? That would be because Kiwi's by far prefer their Mitzis, Hondas, Subarus, Holdens, Fords, and Mazdas. I'm not saying German cars don't exist in New Zealand - I live in Auckland I'd be stupid to say that but in general, German cars are not the ones we buy.
We do however have a fondness for Irish pubs.
On Belgian beers... this is a list of some Belgian beers, go - take a look - I'll wait here. Tell me how many you know. Personally I know one of those beers. I also happen to be quite fond of it (Stella Artois). As far as I'm aware Kiwi's are much more likely to reach for a Steinlarger, Tui, Lion (Red, Brown, Double Brown), Waikato, Speights, Macs (one of the many different versions) or Monteiths. We're a patriotic bunch. We might dip into the Aussie stores (Fosters, XXXX, VB) but as the song says "you can get Fosters on tap, but it still tastes like crap"...
The kebab holds up, I've had numerous kebabs while pissed - that said I've had many more hamburgers and/or chips while pissed. The White Ladies in Queen St (Shortland St if you want to be pedantic and it's moving soon anyway) and Newmarket I am finding are the stuff of legends. Quick, polite service and the hamburgers are the best I've ever tasted (please note I was rather pissed at the time). Wellington has an all night 6-night-a-week (not open Monday night) fish and chip store that serves a bad-ass hawaiian burger at 3 in the morning and is right next to a strip club making for interesting people watching. Curries... hands up all who have had a curry after getting pissed? I honestly couldn't think of a worse idea really.
Personally I have no idea where my furniture was made and I'll concede that it may have been made in Sweden but more likely it was made in either New Zealand or China. Most New Zelanders have at least one piece of Made-in-China, assembled-in-the-living-room, Warehouse bought furniture. I have several. They are most definately not made in Sweden.
I conceed American TV shows - but very few English-speaking countries have a complete absence of American programming, and many non-English-speaking countries also show it, so it's a bit of a non point - it's not "only in New Zealand".
I could be wrong here - but who has a TV not made in Japan? I know I don't. Again, I'd say it's one of Japan's major products - it's another non-point, you can get a Japanese TV to watch American programming almost anywhere.
Only in N.Z. ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Not always true. Ambulances can get there quick if it's an emergency and pizza places can be very slow if the rugby's on. Now if we were talking about the police instead, then there might be a point.
Only in N.Z. ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their cough, cold, aspirin while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Every supermarket I've been in makes you walk half way across the aisles, then half way up that aisle. I'm splitting hairs I know, but it's not "all the way to the back" that's (generally) where the Deli and Bakery go. Show me a country that doesn't make people buy ciggy's at the front. Again, it's a non-point.
Only in N.Z. ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Can't argue with the fact it happens, but it also happens in the US, the UK, Australia and anywhere else with a bloody McDonalds.
Only in N.Z. ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
They do indeed chain pens to the counters but the doors are not open. I'm with the National Bank and they have to press a little button to open the doors every time someone wants to get in. I'd have to conceed in the case of KiwiBank though. Damn post offices...
Only in N.Z. ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and & lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Not in Auckland we don't! Leave your expensive car in the drive and watch it speed away... Bye-bye car... Anyone with a garage full of 'junk' generally has a not-so-expensive car sitting in the drive.
Only in N.Z. ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
I only know one person with a machine capable of screening. Last time I checked most people used Telecom's message service, on which you can't really screen in the conventional sense. But that said... any country in the world with these capabilities does the exact same thing. Another non-point.
Only in N.Z. ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skateboard park.
Anyone ever seen that? All I've ever seen infront of skate parks is a gravel area perfect for doughys. Things may have changed since I was a teenager and hanging out at skate parks though. Besides, there is nothing to stop a deaf person skating. Who says a wheelchair can't go up and down some of the ramps at a skatepark?
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Kiwis are injured each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
58 Kiwis are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Kiwis are injured each year by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
8 Kiwis had burns trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Kiwis were admitted to emergency in the last two Years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
and finally.....
In 2005 eight Kiwis cracked their skull whilst throwing up in the toilet
I had a look around and while the UK publishes Hospital Episode Statistics they'll tell you only what happened, not how. (fell out of tree etc) New Zealand tends to publish Mortality Statistics. I highly doubt the accuracy of these results but as I can't be bothered to fully research I'll let you make your own minds up
How many people here have a german car? Hands up please. Any Audis, BMWs, Porches or Volkswagons in the house? No? That would be because Kiwi's by far prefer their Mitzis, Hondas, Subarus, Holdens, Fords, and Mazdas. I'm not saying German cars don't exist in New Zealand - I live in Auckland I'd be stupid to say that but in general, German cars are not the ones we buy.
We do however have a fondness for Irish pubs.
On Belgian beers... this is a list of some Belgian beers, go - take a look - I'll wait here. Tell me how many you know. Personally I know one of those beers. I also happen to be quite fond of it (Stella Artois). As far as I'm aware Kiwi's are much more likely to reach for a Steinlarger, Tui, Lion (Red, Brown, Double Brown), Waikato, Speights, Macs (one of the many different versions) or Monteiths. We're a patriotic bunch. We might dip into the Aussie stores (Fosters, XXXX, VB) but as the song says "you can get Fosters on tap, but it still tastes like crap"...
The kebab holds up, I've had numerous kebabs while pissed - that said I've had many more hamburgers and/or chips while pissed. The White Ladies in Queen St (Shortland St if you want to be pedantic and it's moving soon anyway) and Newmarket I am finding are the stuff of legends. Quick, polite service and the hamburgers are the best I've ever tasted (please note I was rather pissed at the time). Wellington has an all night 6-night-a-week (not open Monday night) fish and chip store that serves a bad-ass hawaiian burger at 3 in the morning and is right next to a strip club making for interesting people watching. Curries... hands up all who have had a curry after getting pissed? I honestly couldn't think of a worse idea really.
Personally I have no idea where my furniture was made and I'll concede that it may have been made in Sweden but more likely it was made in either New Zealand or China. Most New Zelanders have at least one piece of Made-in-China, assembled-in-the-living-room, Warehouse bought furniture. I have several. They are most definately not made in Sweden.
I conceed American TV shows - but very few English-speaking countries have a complete absence of American programming, and many non-English-speaking countries also show it, so it's a bit of a non point - it's not "only in New Zealand".
I could be wrong here - but who has a TV not made in Japan? I know I don't. Again, I'd say it's one of Japan's major products - it's another non-point, you can get a Japanese TV to watch American programming almost anywhere.
Only in N.Z. ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Not always true. Ambulances can get there quick if it's an emergency and pizza places can be very slow if the rugby's on. Now if we were talking about the police instead, then there might be a point.
Only in N.Z. ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their cough, cold, aspirin while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Every supermarket I've been in makes you walk half way across the aisles, then half way up that aisle. I'm splitting hairs I know, but it's not "all the way to the back" that's (generally) where the Deli and Bakery go. Show me a country that doesn't make people buy ciggy's at the front. Again, it's a non-point.
Only in N.Z. ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Can't argue with the fact it happens, but it also happens in the US, the UK, Australia and anywhere else with a bloody McDonalds.
Only in N.Z. ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
They do indeed chain pens to the counters but the doors are not open. I'm with the National Bank and they have to press a little button to open the doors every time someone wants to get in. I'd have to conceed in the case of KiwiBank though. Damn post offices...
Only in N.Z. ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars on the drive and & lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Not in Auckland we don't! Leave your expensive car in the drive and watch it speed away... Bye-bye car... Anyone with a garage full of 'junk' generally has a not-so-expensive car sitting in the drive.
Only in N.Z. ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
I only know one person with a machine capable of screening. Last time I checked most people used Telecom's message service, on which you can't really screen in the conventional sense. But that said... any country in the world with these capabilities does the exact same thing. Another non-point.
Only in N.Z. ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skateboard park.
Anyone ever seen that? All I've ever seen infront of skate parks is a gravel area perfect for doughys. Things may have changed since I was a teenager and hanging out at skate parks though. Besides, there is nothing to stop a deaf person skating. Who says a wheelchair can't go up and down some of the ramps at a skatepark?
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Kiwis are injured each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
58 Kiwis are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Kiwis are injured each year by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
8 Kiwis had burns trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Kiwis were admitted to emergency in the last two Years
after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
and finally.....
In 2005 eight Kiwis cracked their skull whilst throwing up in the toilet
I had a look around and while the UK publishes Hospital Episode Statistics they'll tell you only what happened, not how. (fell out of tree etc) New Zealand tends to publish Mortality Statistics. I highly doubt the accuracy of these results but as I can't be bothered to fully research I'll let you make your own minds up
Interesting Link: Only in America (sound familiar?)
IF YOU'RE PROUD TO BE A KIWI SEND THIS ON - YEAH RIGHT
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