There has been a lack

Some people may have noticed lately there has been a lack of my depressing views on life that I have been known to post. So here's something to satisfy that need.

In the last 8 months, while I've been away from home, I have changed, I was chatting to my mother today about it, it seems I have lost a lot of myself over the time I've been in Wellington. I am seriously considering not finishing my course next year, other options seem more appealing, and people who knew me before I moved will know I rarely give up.

I didn't give up drums, I spent a year (yes, a whole 12 months) trying to get the drum beat to ONE SONG right, since I had started drumming I couldn't do double kicks, where the right hand and my foot work at different times, and it was crucial for the drum beat. I practised in classes, in exams, in the car, in bed, but I couldn't get it. I would sit in class and instead of writing notes, I would write drum notation and follow it to try get it right. I still remember the day in Food Tech where I got it. I almost ran around the room screaming "I can do it! I can FINALLY do it!".

I didn't give up trying to do my best in sixth form, I hated it, really hated school, 'cos being big I tended to get mocked, the teachers, on the most part were good, but the rules, regulations and the hideous uniform were bad (as I'm sure Deeps could probably agree) and I hung around with the geeks, which in hindsight was a good thing, but at the time I wasn't to comfortable admitting it. All thru sixth form I had my eyes on the goal of the course I'm doing now, to be a chef, to cook for people, and to live in Wellington. I did that, and I remember telling everyone that went through my till at Big Fresh, the day I got accepted that I'd got into Massey, Wellington.

I had a goal to have the best darn going away party in a long time. I organised a venue, 100 personalised, DIFFERENT invitations, a DJ, booze, bouncers... with the help of a friend, and it was the last piss up before school went back, and everyone loved it, except for the people whose stuff got nicked.

I wanted a boyfriend, and although I never got one in Rotorua, it never phased me, I could live without one.

In February, my goal was to come out top of the class, unfortunately, my self confidence level dropped, the time it took me to tire myself out decreased, and I began to dislike my lecturers, I became disillusioned, and I didn't want to do it, and I still don't know if I do.

I was not a quitter, and I'm becoming more determined not to be as I write this. I've had massive money problems this year, spending my rent on other things, spiraling into huge debt, but I'm now willing to see that it's been a mistake, and I'm willing to take responsibility for it, my first step into that was actually telling my parents about it.

Talking helps, writing helps, and publishing my feelings, and getting feedback from people I hardly know makes things seem more important in so many ways, I want to know what you people think, how you would react if you were placed in a new town, with no friends, placed into a course and becoming disillusioned with it, and most of all, loosing a valuable part of yourself in the process.

I leave it up to you