NOTE: This is an archive post from LiveJournal which has been logged here for posterity. The original post was friends-locked.
Well I was re-reading my old posts (as you do when you're supposed to be doing an assignment due tomorrow) and realised I haven't posted The Update. Most people on my f-list have got this via email but I figure it's worthwhile posting and hell, if nothing else - it's better then stats.
Right guys, seeing as you all sent me some fantastic advice here is the update on the fallout.
First of all, I stopped talking to M. I needed time to think and sort myself out so I gave myself this space. I found other friends who took me out and got me very drunk (11 hours of beer...) A was out with us, so being drunk I decided to throw caution to the wind and I handed him a print out of the email. He came back downstairs and said he needed to think and he'd get back to me...
3 days of hell followed. Boys - when you say you need time please make that time QUICK or give us an estimate! Us girls (or at least I do) go nuts waiting for you to tell it to us straight! So I spent the next 3 days unable to sit still or concentrate on anything before he came back and gave me the 'it's not you, it's me' speech. To be honest I wasn't surprised. It seems he's got the kind of issues it took me 3 1/2 years to get over. So - dissapointed, but not surprised - and we remain friends (really). I attacked the dissapointment with chocolate and soppy movies (A Walk to Remember and The Notebook) two of my friends came and kept me company and fed me alcohol, so the next day (Sunday) I was in a position when I could attack the final part of the puzzle - M.
I had texted her on Saturday saying I wanted to chat to her and got a reply saying "if you are going to appologise then I can be avaliable". In my head that is the same kind of manipulation I had had enough of when I finally got away from The Evil Flatmate, so I told her straight - "I wasn't planning on appologising, just to explain myself. I also wanted to return your things and get mine back." at which point I got "Well then let's do it now."
To explain myself - this is exactly the kind of crap I got from The Evil Flatmate. It was this attitude that subtly chipped away at my self esteem and independance for well over a year until I got to breaking point. I refused to let her win on this and if she had seen me on Saturday - a little drunk, not too happy about not getting the boy and generally taking some 'me' time to get my thoughts straight then I would have backed down. I couldn't back down. Your emails and phone calls had both given me confidence (I've often said this week I felt like I'd got the invincibility star from Super Mario Brothers and could just shoot down anything in my way because I knew no matter what - I have friends who loved and cared for me) and determination to see this through - how could I send you all an email saying 'we're friends again' - I couldn't do it to YOU GUYS - Half of you'd kill me (or at least Charis would!). You'd boosted me and given me accountability and I think that writing and sending that email was the best thing I could have done.
So I told her I wasn't avaliable - I was sorting out my own shit and I would see her on Sunday.
Sunday came - I hadn't heard from M so I went out shopping with another friend, got ice cream, watched her buy the most beautiful shoes I have ever seen ($150 dowm from $380 - designer, BEAUTIFUL shoes), bought earrings and enjoyed my day. I got home and I reenforced myself. I told myself I was doing the right thing, I thought of you guys.
Then she tried to toy with me. One minute she was ready - then she was busy. She was playing these crazy mind games about when and where we were going to meet... if anything else that just reminded me MORE of The Evil Flatmate and the Hell-of-Three-Years-Ago and it just made me more determined to get it done properly.
So we had the talk. I told her she wasn't good for my mental health, about my breakdown in the projection room, about her stalking, about her manipulation with me and A, about how blunt and insensitive she was in getting what she wanted, about how I didn't need to be mothered, how I wanted my independance back and how I was, afterall, 10 years younger then her and we were inevitably going to think in different ways due to time and maturity. And then she did something that surprised me...
She asked me for my advice on what she could do to change. She told me that she knew she wasn't entirely normal and she didn't want to make the same mistakes again. I advised councelling and doctors and I told her about Lifeworks. I told her that although I didn't want to be her friend, it didn't devalue her as a person. I told her that it shouldn't affect other people in the hostel and that as far as I was concerned this was between her and I and there would be civility rather then hostility between us. We cleared up what was acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. I told her she was welcome to sit at a table we were at or join us as a group and in that situation I would acknowledge her, but she was no longer welcome to know my personal affairs such as exam/assignment results or what I was doing and with who.
So with that sorted I left her and I did some serious thinking about other issues that have come up in my life. Firstly there is the issue with living in this hostel. The fact is many people from the fringes of society collect here. Don't get me wrong - there are good eggs in the basket - but there are also other people who are the kind I have no wish to surround myself with. Do I want to be friends with someone who was actually said "if he joins our group of friends [speaking about a rather camp, gay man - on the basis that he is camp], then I will leave!" Do I want to be around people who cannot take responsibility for their actions and believe everything bad that happens to them is other people's fault? The answer, simply, is no. I want to surround myself with open, accepting, loving people like those who I have surrounded myself with previously. So I have made the decision to leave the hostel. This won't happen until August (I've got to do the two full-time weeks at work during the holidays and get my tax return from the IRD to afford it) but it's in the works - and it makes me feel better just knowing it's GOING to happen. I'll be leaving with a couple I have met here who are kind, trustworthy and know exactly who I am and accept me for that. This is the couple who have heard my dramas and my reasons for leaving. It is the same couple who came and gave me alcohol on the night A let me down. These are the good eggs and are the kind of people I want to have in my life.
This then got me thinking about some other things. Firstly, what am I doing with my life? Am I happy with who I am? What do I want to do? The fact is I'm dedicated to uni until I'm 27. At 27 I want to be settling down, I want to have found a significant other and I want to be thinking about the future, whatever that may be. I want to travel and I want to be happy with my appearance and myself. So today I took steps to being happy with myself. I've made a dentist appointment and I'm taking steps to consolidating my debts, making saving for travel while still at uni a reality. When I leave uni I want the only debt to my name to be my student loan (and even then I'd prefer not to have that). I can live without a credit card, but my teeth are the one thing I am very self consious about. I hate them and it's time to do something about it. It's time to stop giving the blame to The Evil Flatmate and to The Slut. It's time to take responsibility for who I am, how much money I have in the bank and what I do with my life. So the next step in my life is to make myself happy with me. This involves my outward appearance, my health (although don't take that as a 'Kat's going to lose weight' - I hate dieting. It may however mean I give up smoking) and how I feel about myself because afterall - my main reason for leaving Rocklands is because I don't like what it makes ME. It's turning me into a bitch and I hate that.
So now I have dealt with the big-issue-at-the-moment, and filled you all in. Please don't lose touch 'cos I don't talk to half of you as much as I would like, (partly my fault I'm pretty terrible at replying to emails) and if ANY of you have issues and need advice - I owe ya one :P
In other news I'm getting flirty text messages and emails from A. It's kinda fun but at the same time bloody annoying. I'm not even trying to get over him now - I'll just fall into a million pieces when he leaves (July 4th - sob). I'll just have to stock up on the wine and chocolate before then I suppose!
The plans for moving out are officially underway as well. I've had a chat to the couple I mentioned in the update and they are serious about moving out. This makes me extremely happy. We're thinking that somewhere between Newmarket and Three Kings (although closer the Newmarket area is ideal) would be the best spot. My dentist apointment is on Thursday (and not a moment too soon - ANOTHER one of my teeth is beginning to play up - if I have a tooth that doesn't need work I'll be surprised). So yes, life is moving slowly in a direction I am happy about (hell, even when A leaves there's always Email and I do plan to keep that boy as a friend if nothing else!)
My laptop is back - minus EVERYTHING. Colitis was right when he said the harddrive was fucked and so now I have a new one and I get to spend the next month re-installing my programmes, re-setting my settings and re-downloading my mp3s.
Being at debxena and fuzzy_ben's is doing me the world of good. It's great to get home, have a beer and chill out. I've had a few mates around (the ones I plan to move out with - being here has only strengthened our resolve to leave). I've not yet used the bath (saving that as a reward for doing my stats...) but I have baked cookies, watched Invader Zim and Animaniacs and had lots of home cooking (yay!). Once I finish stats I'll have alot more time to attack all the fun stuff in this house (and maybe do a little cleaning so they can come home to a sparkling house).
Anyway, that's me, only two questions to go on my stats and then I can have a long, relaxing bath :)